A Lesson in Comparative Mythology, page 4/10

(Page Four.)

"Aaaaand the feet follow shortly after the hands according the principle of preserving life function. Mobility always comes first. You don’t want a large equine bumbling about on human arms and legs. It’s just not a good image. He’s also becoming ‘horny’. Pretty soon, ‘being horny’ will be second nature to him. Well...first nature. I know, awful, awful joke. But as I am teaching a class, not taunting a victim, it is of no particular consequence. (Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be of particular consequence to someone who won’t understand you in a few moments either. Never mind, that.)

I am sure all of you have figured out what our victim is fated to be at this point... Tabitha, do you know?...Yes, yes, he is growing a horn from his forehead, very observant...Nope, no, definitely not a narwhal, but you will get to be one for detention. I don't even know why you would pose such a preposterous notion. Please see me after class near the aquarium.

Ahm. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes, we can also see the very beginning of the tail growing from the spine. It’s a bit of a humiliating process for most subjects, feeling the spine start to funnel out, pinching and pushing---a very alien sensation to grow a new appendage right out of one’s rear. Our subject, however, has much bigger concerns, like remaining upright as his pelvis rotates towards the surface of his rump and his hips widen. His body is really not made for an upright stance anymore. And that 'bigger problem' is about to expand to become much bigger.

Now, it is a common misconception in equine transformations that the butt muscles simply assume the correct proportions and are done, ipso facto. In actuality, the gluteus maximus in a human is analogous to the rump muscles above the tail in the haunches: the gluteal fascia and the superficial gluteal muscles. These muscles are used in forward propulsion, rearing and jumping. What you actually see as the “butt” in equines is akin to the hamstrings in humans, though grossly expanded. As the butt muscles pull up, to rest above the tail, the back is forced forward, and the hamstrings gain a fantastic amount of power and volume. Another misconception is that the femur shortens and is absorbed into the buttocks. Incorrect, rather the muscles around the femur lengthen and push the butt muscles upwards giving the appearance of growing an ass out of one’s upper legs. Yes, equine transformations can be rather embarrassing at first, but eventually that powerful rump will be a mark of pride for to-be mares and stallions. The squirming, expanding muscles can be quite an awkward experience, but they come with benefits (from a fitness standpoint, at least).

For those of you having trouble following along, consider this; the rear end of a horse or other equine curves around to form a 90-degree angle with the spine, whereas in humans it is vertical. In humans, the hamstrings are not so powerful because weight is balanced in the spine, and the buttocks mostly contribute to poise and, again, forward motion. But in horses and other equines, those hamstrings have to propel tons of body weight laterally. So, quite literally, the whole rear end
curves around a 270-degree reflex angle, resulting in a rather large rump, subject of many pejorative analogies in the description of some humans.

Really, it is not the change in center of gravity that causes victims of equine transformations to fall to all-fours, it is the very physical alterations themselves that reorient the body for quadrupedal locomotion. The rump muscles literally shoves the human forward as the legs grow into a naturally perpendicular orientation. It can feel like getting kicked in the back with a steel toed boot for a moment as the but pushes upwards, the pelvis rotates and curves downwards, and the tailbone detaches itself from the pelvis to become its own appendage. It’s quite a bit to deal with for a subject. Usually it overloads the senses and catches them off guard before they can catch a table and orient themselves upright. "

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